Goodbye to people and places I’ve loved

Since moving to Central America over five years ago, I’ve voluntarily and happily accepted many different roles for which I otherwise wouldn’t have the opportunity to volunteer: Over the past five years, I’ve been an English teacher, yoga teacher, dish washer, house sitter, dog walker, among other volunteer positions for which I’ve gladly stepped up to the plate.

I spend most of my days surrounded by people who are from a different cultural background. They are not my blood family, but, given my circumstances, I now consider them my family. Humans are animals, after all, and since I’m human, I default to wanting the safety and comfort of other humans around me. Kind of like monkeys, I imagine. We don’t really like to be alone for very long.

Now that I am living in Belize, a tiny country with rudimentary infrastructure, I no longer enjoy the privilege of being surrounded by modern conveniences like Walmart, McDonald’s and strip malls replete with fast food chains and trash cans. People burn their trash where I live. Or bury it. Literally. I’m in a very different part of the world now, where most people get by fairly well on $10 or less per day. Seriously.

In the past five years since I’ve moved here, I’ve grown to appreciate having and doing less. I’ve actually grown to appreciate it. I no longer crave McDonald’s fries. I no longer miss going to movie theaters. I no longer search for the nearest trash can, because I know it probably won’t be there. I’ve learned to be more responsible and accountable to myself. That includes my trash.

I’ve learned to be more self-reliant and self-sufficient. Kind of like Thoreau, I suppose. I am from Massachusetts originally, where the transcendentalists first penned their missives on self-reliance while living sort of like I am now, in a remote area surrounded by nature and few humans.

Here in Belize, I’ve benefited from having a lot of time to myself to reflect on what’s important to me. I’ve had the privilege of being surrounded by pristine nature, virtually untouched by human hands, and therefore in a natural state of balance, for now. I’d like to think that by living close to nature in a balanced state, I too am becoming more balanced. I’d like to think that I can better weigh what I need versus what I want. I’d like to think that I am better at discerning what’s good for me versus what’s not so good for me. But time will tell whether or not that’s the case.

One among many things I’ve given up by moving to Central America is the convenience of hopping in a car and visiting friends and family. I live simply and frugally. Currently, I use public transportation. I can no longer indulge in the habit of spending time with people out of some kind of obligation to fulfill my duty as a sister, a daughter, a friend from college, or whatever. I don’t have that privilege anymore, because I’ve given it up in exchange for being where my heart calls me to be, to do what my heart calls me to do, out of some kind of obligation to fulfill my duty to live a life of service to humanity. Because it seems like a good idea, to me.

As a single woman at forty years of age, I’ve made a deliberate choice to remain free of children and to therefore slough off the obligation I see most women my age beholden to; namely, suckling and raising a miniature version (or multiple versions) of themselves. I don’t think this makes me better or more intelligent than other women; it just gives me more freedom: I have more time, money, energy and other resources that I can dedicate to other endeavors.

Since I’ve voluntarily become a self-proclaimed “nun” with no religious affiliation in my last days on this earth, I figure now would be a good time to say goodbye to the people and places I’ve loved. Because I might never get another chance. I might die today, at any moment, at any time. You could too, for that matter.

There’s not only therapeutic value in saying goodbye; there’s some kind of liberation gained from expressing gratitude for stuff and memories, identifying what I like about the person and generally attempting to bring some closure to what might otherwise be an incomplete relationship where a lot could be left unsaid.

I don’t want to die leaving a bunch of stuff unsaid. I’d rather go out with a clear conscience and a sense of inner peace that I’ve said what I needed to say to the people who matter most.

First, I’ll make a list of all the people and places I’d like to say goodbye to, in the order they spontaneously come to mind…. Then, I can launch into writing letters to each person and place, which I’ll do anonymously, since anonymity matters to people who think they have stuff to hide from the world.

Dear —

I miss your oatmeal cookies. I miss the way you would stand at the door and smile and wave goodbye when I drove away. I miss being a kid and looking forward to sleepovers and talking about what we’d make for breakfast the next day while snuggling in bed.

Thank you for always encouraging me. You gave me strength to keep on going. I always knew you loved me. I always knew you were proud of me. I’m sorry that maybe I didn’t become the successful doctor or whatever you thought I was capable of becoming. I probably could have gone on to have a more lucrative profession, but I doubt that would have made me any happier. I understand your desire to see me become the best you thought I could be.

Dear —

What happened? I guess I was hoping we could at least be friends, but I suppose we both screwed that up, didn’t we, with our self-destructive tendency to give more to others than what is healthy for us. I know we met at the right time, because we were both ready to start the arduous healing process of coming to terms with the pattern of trying to be the savior for everybody but ourselves.

I miss everything about you. Your voice. How you only said the most important things that needed to be said. Your poetry. Your music. I wanted to see more of your smile. Maybe I never will. I guess I wanted to save you, too. But now I know you can only do that for yourself. And I can only do that for myself. So I’m doing it, damn it. With or without you.

I really fell for you, hard and fast. I think you lured me in: You showed up out of nowhere offering me everything I ever dreamed of, I had a taste of all of it, then Poof! you were gone. Like a dragon with a secret den of hidden jewels. Now you live in my dreams.

I suppose it makes sense to apologize for the pain. I can’t say for sure who’s responsible for the pain. I think we both are. But I don’t ever expect you to say you’re sorry to me. I guess there’s really nothing to forgive. I guess there’s really nothing more to say.

Dear —

I’m sorry I didn’t play with you more often. I’m sorry I kicked you out of my room and ignored you when I should have spent more time with you. I don’t know what the hell was wrong with me. If there is anything I regret most in my life, it’s definitely that.

Some of the best memories I have are with you. Watching MTV in the basement to escape the hot days of summer. Playing Nintendo. Watching “The Princess Bride” over and over again until we could recite all the lines from memory. Riding bicycles down the street and back again. Eating popsicles. I always wanted the red ones and you the purple ones. Good thing.

It kind of sucks that we live so far away from each other now. Of all my friends and family, you are the one I can tell pretty much anything to and I know you will listen and understand because you’ve been through it, too. You know what it’s like to live in a foreign country and to be scared every day for your life that you could die or be killed. You know what it feels like to be far away from everything and everyone familiar.

I’m thankful that I can get on Facebook anytime and vent about whatever is going on, and since you live with your cell phone at your hip and it chimes whenever you get a message, I know you will be there to answer me in an emergency or whatever. Nobody else can do that for me.

I would like to think I was a good — to you. But I know mostly I wasn’t. I feel bad that I wasn’t. I hope you can forgive me. I feel bad that we probably won’t spend much time together ever again, because we live so far away from each other and it’s hard to get together. I feel sad about that. But at least we got to grow up and learn how to survive together. At least we have that in common, and that’s kind of a big deal.

Dear —

You were great while you lasted. I got the most I could out of you, like an excellent education, good dental care and access to the best hospitals and universities in the world. I will miss going into your art museums, theaters and labyrinthine libraries stocked full with books that smell like the earth: dirt and mildew and sweet raindrops.

I’m pissed that you wrested most of my hard-earned money from my pocket with your usurious economic system and service to a small percentage of ruling elite whose agenda is planetary destruction. How could you let that happen?

It was unfair that even though I worked fulltime and paid my taxes and student loans on time every month, I still could only dream of owning land and a house. I mean, what kind of f*@#ed up system you have, to obligate everyone to work their asses off at jobs they mostly hate, to never have time for themselves or their families, leaving them just enough money and time to take a shit in their tiny apartments and go to the drive-through for fast food because they don’t have time or money to cook a decent meal. Plus, all the food’s adulterated. How could you?

I left you because you betrayed me. You insulted me. You abused me. I’m glad I left you when I had the chance, before our relationship got even crazier. I truly don’t miss you since you’ve been gone. All I miss are a few good hiking trails and a few good men I left behind there. For all I care, you can go away forever, and the world would be better off.

Dear —

Bummer that you had to crash and burn because some idiot forgot to put out his campfire. Glad it wasn’t me. Back when we had our love affair, I fantasized about making a campfire and sleeping all night against your chest, well-endowed with the magnificence of a thousand redwood trees, now charred and abandoned. Especially you—the tall, handsome one I loved to embrace.

I’m sorry I abandoned you. I left you alone but I never forgot about you. I can still close my eyes and smell you. Feel you. Imagine myself on top of you. You were my favorite place in the whole wide world. I doubt that will ever change. Thank you for giving me solace and solitude when I needed it most.

Why I’m practicing celibacy for one year

I’m going through divorce. Again. The “again” part is the main reason why I’m taking a break from relationships—and sex—for a while. For a year.

Either I haven’t been making good decisions about my partners, or there is something inherently flawed in my character. Judging from how my intimate relationships have gone over the past decade (starting out with raging, fiery passion and gradually petering out to a dying ember), the latter is most likely the case: There’s something in me that’s gone awry, and I’m the only one who can fix it. I suppose it’s about time I try to fix myself, before it’s too late.

I’m not mentally handicapped, and no professional has declared me to be mentally ill. Even so, I admit that I have my issues, as I suppose we all do. For one, I admit that I’ve been somewhat confused in the arena of relationships: how to make relationships work; how to have healthy relationships; how to avoid the most common pitfalls; et cetera, et cetera…. It appears I keep falling face first into the deepest ditches, in spite of being reasonably intelligent and accomplished in other aspects of my life.

Over the years, when it comes to relationships, I’ve gotten some good advice from friends and some not-so-good advice from so-called friends. All the advice has been pretty much useless. Because humans do what they want to do, no matter what. We always seem to find a way to fulfill our appetites for whatever it is we think we need: food, sex, money, cars, … faster, bigger, better … more, more, more…. While this formula might provide some instant gratification or at least some short-term satisfaction, look where it’s gotten us, hmmm?

I once attended a sacred ceremony led by an indigenous Mayan elder I met in the mountains of southern Mexico. He held the bowl of copal incense in his hands and gazed thoughtfully at the smoke as it curled up toward the sky, carrying our prayers. “The best things in life are free,” he said, and then he told a story about how his ancestors lived—and thrived—before we started slapping price tags and bar codes on everything.

One thing I’ve learned is that people are stupid. That includes me. We only believe what we want to believe. We only see what we want to see. We only hear what we want to hear. Et cetera, et cetera. I suppose that’s why we benefit from attempting to refine our intellect by reading books, writing poetry and doing crossword puzzles. Humans without lofty pursuits default to behaving like monkeys. I repeat: That includes me.

For what it’s worth, I’ve made a commitment to myself to practice celibacy for one year. This means I’m currently in a “state of abstaining from marriage and sexual relations”… for one year. I think I need at least that much time just to get used to the idea.

For most of my adult life, I’ve had an impressively diverse range of experience in terms of partnership and everything that comes along with it, including sex. I live for experiences.

Every experience enriches me, builds my character, teaches me something and changes me. That’s why I travel and work in different places with different people. That’s why I change my environment frequently. I seek experiences, and these have included experimentation with sex and drugs. Wait… sex is a drug. For me, it has been somewhat of an addiction.

Recently, I’ve summoned the inner strength to be honest enough with myself to recognize my addiction and to make a more concerted effort to slay the dragon, lest it kill me first.

I’m multi-talented, multi-variegated and multi-layered, somewhat like Neapolitan ice cream. When you take a bite, you can never be sure what flavor you’ll get. I would like to blend my flavors into something more … consistent. When it comes to food, consistency matters. When it comes to partners, consistency matters. It makes for better relationships. Less complicated ones, anyway.

 

Why I’m Practicing Celibacy

I like challenges. Throughout my life, I’ve enjoyed taking on more than I thought I could. I graduated valedictorian of my class in both high school and college. I like to challenge myself to improve, to excel, and to grow in ways that matter.

I’m practicing celibacy for one year, because so far, I’ve never been able to remain celibate for more than a few months. I’ve tried it before, but as I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was too swayed by my thirty-something-year-old hormones and too dismayed by loneliness.

I think I’ve reached a point in my life when I’m ready for this challenge. It’s a realistic one for me to take on, so I’m willing to make the commitment to myself.

A skilled astrologer once analyzed my natal chart (a visual display of how the planets aligned on the day and hour of my birth). He placed the chart on the table, removed his spectacles and looked quizzically at me until I felt uncomfortable.

“What?” I asked him.

He cleared his throat. He was a gray-haired, somewhat gruff man. “I feel sorry for you,” he said.

“Why?” I asked him.

He proceeded to explain that I am a “quintuple Scorpio”, which apparently means that there are five planets in the sign of Scorpio on my chart.

“What’s that mean?” I asked him.

Again, he said, “I feel sorry for you.”

He continued with his explanation. I listened carefully and took scrupulous notes on the subject. At the time, I didn’t really believe in astrology, nor did I know much about it, but since that day, I’ve done some research to see if other sources corroborate with what the astrologer told me.

Indeed, I agree with the no-nonsense astrologer. I feel sorry for myself and anybody else who’s a quintuple Scorpio. Life is cursed with an incessant drive to dig oneself as deeply into as many caves and holes and ditches as possible, just to find what’s buried underneath the layers. And just for the thrill of it. My five planets in Scorpio compel me to seek thrills and to therefore experience the passion and cascade of emotions that come along with thrill-seeking.

A person with five planets in Scorpio is likely to be intensely passionate and inclined toward excessive sexual activity due to a raging libido, a high degree of creativity and intuition, and a desire and ability to connect deeply on many levels with self and others. Along with all of this comes a tremendous capacity for healing. Because we go deep.

Check.

Yep. That describes me.

I think it’s worthwhile to at least try to transcend astrology and, for that matter, any other “-ism” or “-ology” that would otherwise limit myself to behaving a certain way.

I’m practicing celibacy because it challenges me to go against what my biological tendency would have me do (namely, f*ck like a bonobo). I’m attempting to do the opposite (namely, sublimate my biological urges). To use a monkey-like analogy, it’s kind of like ignoring an itch instead of scratching.

I believe a geeky scientist friend of mine whose research has convinced me that the human species doesn’t have very long left to enjoy living on this planet, because we’ve screwed it up enough for Mother Earth to start shaking us off like parasitic fleas. Whether or not my scientist friend’s hypothesis is correct, I could realistically die any day, at any moment. I don’t want to die full of regrets. Now is the time to start making amends, forgiving myself and others, and generally trying to be the best person I can possibly be.

I regret some of the choices I’ve made in the arena of my sexual relationship with life. My choices haven’t all been the most empowering or wise. Taking a break from sex will give me time to reflect and forgive myself for being stupid. I’ve hurt some people in ways I regret.

I hereby dedicate my year of celibacy to making amends with the people I’ve hurt, with a solemn wish for healing and empowerment on all levels (physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual) for all of us.

 

Why I’m Not Practicing Celibacy

I’m not choosing celibacy because anyone is telling me to do it, or because I’m following some kind of religious dogma. I’m practicing celibacy because my spirit is calling me to do it, because I know it is good for me.

I’m not practicing a one-year vow of celibacy because it will please my Momma or because it will “please God”: I don’t even know what that means….

Although I consider myself a Christian, I don’t believe in the dogma. I believe in Jesus Christ as my guru, my teacher, someone whose life and teachings are worth aspiring to (what we know of Jesus’ life, anyway).

I believe that Jesus mastered the art of yoga and as a fully self-realized individual, he was imbued with miraculous healing powers and fully empowered by the universe (“God”) to do what the bible says he did, which probably should include a lot of stuff that has since been cast aside and/or adulterated by religious authorities whose vested interests were more sociopolitical than spiritual.

Suffice it to say that I don’t give a damn about religion. I’m interested in living an authentic life in alignment with my highest potential as a spiritual being temporarily stuck in a human body.

 

Why I Think Celibacy is a Worth My Effort

Since I’ve moved to Central America and traveled extensively in Mexico, Guatemala, and most recently, Belize, I’ve had the privilege of learning a thing or two from indigenous people who’ve studied traditional healing for their entire lives.

A friend of mine who carries the wisdom of healing with plants is a Mayan elder whose native tongue is Kek’chi. We often sit together in my riverside bungalow in the tropical jungle and talk about a lot of things, because we are both interested in spirituality (whatever that means).

Exactly one year ago, we had a conversation that has impacted me deeply but it wasn’t until now that I could take his advice seriously.

“If you want to learn how to use prayers for healing,” he said, “You will really have to concentrate. You will have to be celibate, at least for a while,” he told me.

At first, I resisted the idea. Something in me rebelled. “Why?” I asked him.

“You will need to gather all your inner power. Your strength. It will take a lot of concentration. You need all the strength you can get.”

I listened carefully.

“Once you start learning, if you engage in sexual relations with another person, you could hurt yourself. You could hurt that person. You don’t want to do that.”

Yet, that’s precisely what I went ahead and did, regrettably. More than once. I didn’t listen to my teacher. Like a monkey, I only heard what I wanted to hear.

I rebelled. I defaulted to my shadow self (my quintuple Scorpio nature?) and did what I thought was okay at the time. Inevitably, there were consequences. Unpleasant ones. I’ve since healed, but I can’t say the same for the other people involved. I can only hope and pray that they learned something too.

Some people say there are no mistakes, only learning opportunities. If that’s true, then over the past year, I’ve learned a lot. At least, I’ve had the opportunity to learn a lot.

I’m grateful.

At this time in my life, living alone as a single woman in a third world country, the benefits of celibacy appear to far outweigh the benefits of playing the field. Consider my list of pros and cons:

PRO celibacy

PRO sex CON celibacy CON sex
health feels good loneliness risk of STDs
increased energy fear of being alone risk of pregnancy
safety risk of rape
better relationships negative reputation

hurt feelings

From a purely logical perspective, it appears most wise for me to be celibate, at least for now. I figure one year will give me enough time to not only get used to the idea, but maybe to learn to like it. At first, medicine might taste bitter, but over time, it might start to taste sweet. Who knows? I might be dead by the end of my one-year vow of celibacy. In that case, hopefully I will have died with a clear conscience and a more integrated sense of self. All in all, I think it’s worth my effort.

If I live beyond my one-year vow, hopefully I will have learned something about myself. I think I’m ready to learn something new, but first, I have to be willing to try something new.

 

 

 

Limitless potential

heartbrokenDearest hearts — The spirit is yearning to soar in an endless sky of limitless potential.

This is a message for those of you whose hearts have been broken and have bled from wounds, whether self-inflicted or by others. Divine and sacred vessels, we extend our hands down to you with the fullness of love from the One God who knows and sees all and whose spirit gives you life. Do not be discouraged.

Lift up your hearts to God—the One who loves you unconditionally.

Indeed, many of you have become bitter and hardened your hearts toward one another. There is distrust, anger, shame, and fear. We recognize the suffering and wish to help you be freed from these limitations so that you can experience a fuller range of joy, peace, and love in your lives.

Parama w Sammie at Nancy'sLife is a journey of love.

We understand that the human condition is one of great suffering, for that is what you’ve chosen and created for yourselves, the most impressive and demanding challenge to learn, grow, and triumph, even though there may be a crisis happening, both internally and externally, as a human on earth.

Receptivity and openness are the central themes of our message to you now, brave hearts. You may wish to close your hearts in response to having been wounded, but a closed heart cannot receive the blessing of love. It can only feel pain… death, decay, poison.

We witness your struggles and honor your sincerest efforts to achieve greatness, even while your surrounding circumstances would give you many reasons to relinquish, to remain bitter, to wallow in misery. We remind you, dear hearts, to hold fast to your faith, hope, and love—for yourselves, for each other….

Click here to download the Ascended Master Readings

Faith, hope, and love

portal of time in clouds

You are all destined to live eternally in oneness with the Creator—with everything—all at once. No limitation. Only limitless creation and pure potential: eternal life.

This is a grace that each one of you has the opportunity in every moment of every day to receive through faith, hope, and love. To open your hearts to joy, love, goodness, forgiveness, charity, generosity, purity—the Christ consciousness.

meditation omYes, there have been many great teachers sent down to lead, guide, influence, and model a life of Christ consciousness. Consider their great works: Did they not emphasize unconditional love and forgiveness?—every one of these great teachers and masters throughout the ages, including the great, most esteemed Jesus Christ?

Who among you is really living—today—the way these great teachers taught us to live?

Stop wasting your time, precious hearts!

We can wait for eternity. There is no time. We have eternity; we have everything. We are everything. Who among you is living as if there was no time whatsoever to waste on anything but faith, hope, and love—in each moment?

Every one of you is each other’s opportunity. Don’t miss out!

cell phone towerReaders have written to me recently, asking me to provide a backdrop for the “Ascended Master Readings“—a description of the circumstances of my life at the time of channeling…. Okay, yes… I can do that for you, if it provides a context that gives deeper meaning and significance to the messages of the Ascended Masters. I am dedicated to acting as a channel for these “angels”, and my readership includes those of you for whom their messages are “beaming down” onto the planet at this time. I am honored, and I thank you!

I facetiously employ the term “beam down” (I have been watching quite a bit of Star Trek for the first time in my life), because that is how it feels to me now. As a channel and facilitator for the messages of the Ascended Masters, I not only “receive” the information clairvoyantly (seeing) and clairaudiently (hearing), but I also feel the essence of the messages on a visceral level. This intuitive sense always alerts me that the angels wish to communicate …through me. I think it is no coincidence that where I am currently living has a distinct feature: A tall cell phone satellite tower rises above the landscape and reminds me of my role as a kind of “antenna” to receive and transmit the messages of the Ascended Masters.

1 looking out to seaAs a resident of Belize, a small country just south of Mexico bordering the Caribbean Sea, I have the privilege of access to some of the most stunning, pristine nature on the planet. Belize is a third-world country that has not been pillaged by over-development. Much of the rainforest is still intact, the coastline features white-sand beaches, and the Maya Mountains are home to some of the most diverse flora and fauna on earth.

When I’m not facilitating a retreat at one of the tourist destinations, whether deep in the jungle or on a tropical beach, I am on my own retreat—a writing retreat—where my pen flies upon the paper day and night, at random hours, and I keep myself busy composing, transcribing, and capturing as much as I can into a permanent recorded form. I have friends and family who love and support me in my intention to be a “scribe”, a role that I take seriously and value above all else. At age 39, I have intentionally “abandoned husband, hearth, and home” (as a friend succinctly expressed). Why? To focus, uncompromisingly, on my mission: my service to humanity. Nothing else matters to me.

Sammie with coconutsSammie, a Jack Russell terrier, shares the beachside bungalow with me, where I wake before sunrise to watch as the morning glow brightens to a blaze over the Caribbean Sea right outside my window.

I share this, dear readers, because I want to emphasize that while it may seem that I live in a veritable paradise, it has taken me many years and much personal suffering to “arrive” at what seems like an ideal destination to write and publish the “Ascended Master Readings”. Mostly, it has been a great sacrifice, as I’ve conveyed in my recently published Poetry Collection I: Perspectives, illustrated with photos I took myself, in conjunction with heartfelt poems that tell the story of my life.

At sunset, after sitting all day in front of my computer or at a table writing by hand in my journal, I am ready for some physical movement. I have been jogging barefoot along the stretch of white-sand beach beside a pier that is reportedly over a hundred years old, where pirates arrived and docked on the shore of this tiny colony, previously under British rule, seeking their share of the spoils. As a foreigner in this strange land, I suppose I am not unlike the pirates, in search of something new and exciting and valuable.

cell phone tower 2Over the past week, the daily sunrise and sunset have featured phenomenal and rare cloud formations that have had me racing to retrieve my camera, sometimes just in time to capture the illumination of the sunlight reflecting on the clouds in just the right way to reveal the most unusual imagery.

The light shining through the clouds appears to me as a kind of “portal” – a door opening to a different world, perhaps to Heaven itself. I don’t suggest this jokingly. I believe that the portals are actually opening for humanity’s uplifting, for this is exactly what the Ascended Masters reveal in their readings, which I have the honor and privilege to receive and transmit to you at this time.

Click here to download the Ascended Master Readings.

Thank you.

Ram of God

ram's horn copy
Ram’s horn

gifted to me

by the ocean

I sound my trumpet call

 

As a tropical storm

delivers thunder

the voice of God declares

I am sovereign

 

Victorious

over death

dignified

in God’s love

 

Virile

with procreative vigor

and aggressive savagery

in my coitus with the earth

Love’s chalice

Chalice

We are scattered shards

of a chalice

broken by desire

for separateness

 

projections 

of each other

searching

for unity

 

like children 

being called

back home 

to drink from our mother’s breast:

wholeness

harmony 

love

Finding peace after the loss of a family member

V— requests a Life Reading, seeking guidance and insights to many questions about personal wellness, marriage, spirituality, and life’s purpose:

birdMy son passed away last year. I’ve had some deep insights into my spirituality and some real indicators to our connectedness to the other side of the veil—an awakening, perhaps.

Why am I so unbelievably exhausted and unmotivated? The exhaustion seems to be getting much worse. Medical tests show that everything is normal. How do I fix this?

I have since had shamanism presented to me numerous times, although I have resisted. I am having trouble finding help on this new path. I feel like I am adrift.

Is this the path meant for me? Will I find a mentor?

And why can’t I seem to find my spirit guides? … Or, have I found them, and I just don’t know it?

I see so many images when I meditate, but I can’t seem to make sense of them all. Even when I’m not meditating; for example, just closing my eyes during emotional moments, I still see images. (I swear, I’m not crazy!)

What am I supposed to do with my life? How do I make my time here on earth meaningful? What’s my purpose, and how do I find the energy to pursue it?

How do I find joy in life again? Everything that’s going on in the world seems too overwhelming. So many bad things are happening…. I sometimes feel nauseous hearing about it on TV or social media, to the point where I’ve stopped watching the news…. I’m seriously considering shutting down my Facebook account. It’s really sickening and heartbreaking—all this hate in the world.

My husband is…. a difficult person. Although, I’m sure I’m difficult too. Am I being selfish when I think about leaving him, or should I just suck it up and try harder? Is this relationship my life lesson in patience and compassion? Is it more honorable to stay together?

In the past, I was intuitive and good at seeing the big picture, but now, I can’t see the forest for all the trees. I used to be really confident and grounded when I was younger, but now, I just feel so off kilter.

What is happening to me?

Life Reading by Parama

wolfYour son’s death has left a void in your external world, but you still feel him on the inner plane. Connections can never be lost.

“Daddy, Mommy,” your son says, “I know you miss me, but I had to leave. It was my time to go. Some people get a whole lifetime—I only got twelve years. I learned what I needed to learn, and you taught me well. I know you wanted to save me, but it was my time to go.

“Please let me go. I want to move on, too. But I can’t, because you are holding on so tight to your guilt – wishing you could have saved me.

“Let me fly! I want to fly. When you look up and see a bird with its wings outstretched, hovering above you, you’ll know it’s a sign from my spirit, having united with the Almighty One God.

“Remember me, but let me go—let me fly—let me be free and live forever in your hearts. Mommy, Daddy—one day we will reunite. I know, because the angels tell me so. And we will be happy together, forever with God.

“Take down my bedroom, my play toys, the favorite truck of mine that always makes you cry, and please, for my sake, give it away to a charity so that some other child can play the way I once did. This will please me, bring me joy, and help set our spirits free.

“Please… I want to see you happy again. I want to see you play together the way you used to play with me.

“You can’t make me come back, but you can be happy now. You have each other, and that’s a gift from God. I’ll never forget you, … ever, ever.”

The spirit of the wolf walks with you and protects you. The wolf is a fierce guardian of what you hold dear. Ask for protection and guidance from God, and then close your eyes, listen, and pay attention. A wolf—a guardian spirit gifted to you from God—is a fearless, loyal, dedicated provider and protector for you, especially as you consider bringing another child into your family. You will know when you are ready.

An unhealthy substance addiction has sapped you of energy and consumed your creativity. Seek support to free yourself from these chains. Ask God to help you…. Cry out if you must.

Have you let yourself cry over the loss of your son?

Find a loving, supportive friend from your local community whom you trust. You’ve known this person a long time, and she has great wisdom and a deep understanding of who you are. Ask her to listen to you talk about your substance addiction. Receive her unconditional love and support. Rely on her whenever you feel tempted to indulge.

Drowning out the pain cannot make it go away. Denial can only amplify your pain, until it consumes you—all of you. Will you let this happen? You don’t want to feel your pain, so you have found a way to justify your addiction, as if you were entitled to indulge in self-destructive behaviors.

This is extremely taxing to your nervous system, throws your hormones off balance, and exhausts you.

The time has come to fervently—Start now—seek healthy outlets to vent your emotions, which you’ve managed with great effort to stuff deep inside of yourself.

Using your chosen art medium, capture the images you see in meditation or when your eyes are closed. Give the images your own expression: Give them a voice, a shape, and free them from being trapped inside of you.

A new dance can only begin when you’re willing—and ready—to let go of whatever’s holding you back, get up, and embrace your dance partner.

people-dancing-silhouette-icon-25When you first met your partner, you used to dance, play, and explore together. You’ve stopped taking the time to enjoy being together.

Ask God to renew and rebuild your life. Regenerate yourself and your relationship through God’s love and your love for each other. You can do this. What seems to be “difficult” about your relationship will transform as you express yourself more and more.

Unburden yourself from guilt.

Rely on trustworthy friends to help you. Don’t expect your partner to fulfill your needs for support. It’s too much right now. If you build a solid support network for yourself outside of your primary partnership, then over time, you will find that your marriage improves, your perceptions change, and you will be able to enjoy life together, as you once did.

Be patient in your relationship, and do your fair share. You’ve both been struggling, so do not add more burden by expecting the other person to save you from your pain. You must do this work for yourself, in your own heart, with the help of God and your trusted support network.

Have you and your partner considered building a new house or an addition to your house? This could be helpful for you to do together: a collaborative project, creating something new together.

dust-devil-vs-tall-bike-burning-man-2010Consider a vacation getaway with your partner soon. This will help you find new perspectives, as well as giving you needed time alone together. You’ve been vying for many peoples’ attention in personal and professional matters, leaving you little energy to focus on each other’s needs.

Don’t let other people compete for your attention: You must choose where and to whom you will give your attention. Start with yourself and God.

You have done well to maintain professionalism and commendable performance at work. Continue to apply yourself in your craft, for your work serves as an outlet for your creativity—a means by which you can reconnect with your joy … You must ask for this…. You must make the necessary adjustments in your work routines, schedules, and workspace to allow for uncensored, raw, unlimited self-expression.

You’ve been holding back too much, denying yourself the opportunity to unleash your passion in your life, because you fear rejection or judgment from others. Ask yourself, “Is this worth it? What do I gain by giving into my fears that others will judge me?”

bikeA new bicycle awaits you and needs repair. Start there. Design the bike according to your own specifications and paint it however you desire. Let the bike be a metaphor for your own body…. Build yourself a new body, a renewal in the spirit of God’s love, in self-love.

Love yourself as God loves you, and do not deny yourself the blessing of joy and lightheartedness! When is the last time you had a cathartic belly laugh with friends over some hilarious joke, a story… a movie? Seek out the opportunity to laugh more! Watch funny YouTube videos if you must—anything to get your body convulsing in fits of laughter!

Whether alone or with trusted friends, your laughter will bring you to tears…. will lead you to anger… will open the door for forgiveness… and will, finally, give you peace.

By the time you parade your new, decked-out bicycle through the streets of your summertime celebration, you will be ready to meet a special person who will become a teacher and mentor for your spiritual path.

Look out for signposts pointing the way.

Of course, you will know when you have met your teacher, who will appear at first to be a “nobody” (almost invisible), but as soon as you engage in a conversation, his words will speak to your heart. You will feel refreshed in his company, enlivened by his energy, and inspired by his example.

Life has many twists and turns. One thing leads to another. Nothing is ever lost—not even the people who’ve come into our lives for some time, then gone away.

We are all precious pearls on the same string, coiling and spiraling itself through space, keeping us eternally connected through the unconditional, divine, perfect love of our One Creator, the One God who knows all. Trust in this always.

-End of Life Reading-

I wish you blessings on your life’s journey. Thank you for writing. —Parama

Healing the past by focusing on the present

youth-summit-lg (1)In this Life Reading, a client asked the following question:  My partner and I are currently separated. What does the future hold for me?

Parama received the following information for this Life Reading: Since you sent this request for a Life Reading, you have come to grips with many aspects of your previous relationship. You have struggled with the pain of realizing how you compromised your integrity, wellbeing and happiness while maintaining an unhealthy relationship that drained you of energy and resources.

Now that you’ve realized this, you wonder how you can have a good, healthy relationship. Do not be hard on yourself for what happened with your previous partner. A new relationship is imminent for you, as you are now doing the hard work of reconciling your past and opening your heart to a new partner.

Nothing has been lost. The lessons you learned will serve you as you forge ahead with a new love relationship, informed by the failures and successes of your previous partnership. The focus now should be on yourself and how you can achieve the highest state of contentment, wellbeing, and integrity for yourself.

Reconcile the pain of the past not through regret and shame, but by focusing your life force energy on the present – on making the present be the best and most fulfilling it can be.

Let’s start with your job: Are you feeling stifled, stuck, dissatisfied? Consider a career change. This will require a bold step for you – taking action that you’ve been avoiding, since your energy was consumed by your previous relationship. Now that you have aligned your energy to focus on yourself, you are ready to take the step of finding fulfillment in your professional life.

You seek a greater degree of self-expression, creativity, and application of your keen, exacting intelligence, which your current job does not offer you. This has led to an overall lack of self-esteem, as you have been forced by the nature of your job to follow a set of inane, uninteresting procedures that go against your personal beliefs and convictions about how the same results could be obtained through a much more efficient, less time-consuming, and more conscious way. The overall feeling of boredom, lack of initiative, and discontentedness you’ve been struggling with comes largely from the dynamic that arises daily in your job, where you are obliged to sacrifice your intelligence in exchange for following strict procedures.

Be assured that your unique gifts, talents and abilities are destined to find their expression in a much more fulfilling professional position. You must be prepared to enroll in a series of courses to qualify you for the work that you’ve always wanted to do, but heretofore have been unable to apply enough focus and willpower to achieve.

You can and will succeed in the career of your choice. Now is a good time to take the necessary steps to becoming better qualified professionally. Be cautious about giving notice at your current job too early. The financial security it offers you will serve you as you invest in your continuing education. The drudgery you’ve been feeling about your job will be replaced by a sense of excitement and anticipation as you attend classes and refocus your attention on doing something that you really want to do.

Your career aspirations were inspired during your childhood by an adult mentor in your life whom you admired. Recall this person, and if you can get in contact, you are encouraged to ask for advice and insight. Mostly, it will help you to remember the qualities and achievements that you admired about this person. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What inspired me about this person?
  • Why did I admire him or her?
  • What do I have in common with this person?

Can I now see myself being in the same role, and accomplishing similar things as this individual? Why? What do I have to do to achieve this?

Your new partnership will emerge as you take the next steps, as you will be finding yourself in the company of new people in environments where you would not otherwise go, were it not for your newfound focus on self-improvement and personal fulfillment.

Consider a new, trendy wardrobe that will help you “feel” more a part of your new circle of social connections and professional colleagues. Let your wardrobe be an external expression of your new career focus and success. Clothing can be a powerful manner of self-expression and reveals the way one wishes to “show up” in the world.

A lot of hard work awaits you, especially over the course of the next year. You will succeed. Whenever you feel discouraged, you should turn to a loving family member who supports you emotionally and can offer useful advice and encouragement.

There may come a point where you feel that you have fully “moved on” from your previous partner, but this person will not. You may be pressured to re-enter into the relationship. Be well advised that this would be an unnecessary distraction for you, and it would require you to shift your focus to such a degree, that you may be taken off course from your truly desired goals and aspirations.

You will have to be strong and overcome the obstacle of denying yourself what you want in order to provide for someone else. As a new identity emerges for you, the people you’ve been close to (including your former partner) will expect you to keep showing up the way you had before. It will take inner strength and determination to forge ahead with your new plans and goals. Write them down. Hang them up on a wall where you can see them every day. Do not let yourself be distracted or pressured into giving up on yourself.

It will serve you well to establish a new network of friends as you begin to make some changes in your life. Choose people your age and gender who are focused on similar goals. Spend free time with them and get to know them. Your new social circle will become increasingly important to you as you come closer and closer to achieving your lifelong dream.

Remember: let the focus shift from your past to your present, where all the potential for happiness and success can be found, waiting for you to realize.

-End of Life Reading-

I wish you blessings of happiness, success and fulfillment. Thank you for writing. —Parama

Selfless service as a path to personal success and happiness

working-together-as-a-team-group_people1In this Life Reading, a client asked the following questions: 

  • I’d love to meet my soulmate/life partner. What do I need to do to make this happen?
  • I’d like to be successful in obtaining a job. What is it that I’m doing or not doing to make this happen?
  • I need to know at this point in my life where I am now in 2014 regarding my spirituality.

Parama received the following information for this Life Reading: It appears that you have neglected to properly attend to your home altar, an important observance that deserves daily care and attention. Take time to clean and refresh your altar space, filling it with auspicious, inspiring images and objects that uplift you and refocus your spiritual life. One important element to include is a spiritual text that contains scripture. You should read a passage daily and meditate on its meaning. This could be a text that you already own or could obtain locally. Be sure to choose a text that you will be motivated to read and reflect upon daily.

Is there someone in your immediate family who needs your help? An auspicious opportunity exists for you to offer help to this family member without expecting anything in return. Offering yourself with an attitude of loving compassion and non-attachment from the results (karma yoga) will provide you with some needed reconciliation from past offenses. Do not be concerned about how this family member may judge or criticize you; only offer your loving support with unconditional love, and be open to any positive outcomes that may arise from your selfless service.

You will benefit from improving your diet by reducing sweets and increasing your daily intake of pure water. Consider a more robust, disciplined exercise routine. This will help to cleanse toxins from your system and clear your mind so that you can focus and concentrate better.

Distractions seem to be one of the obstacles to maintaining a pure, clean state of mind. These distracting thoughts and cravings arise from a nexus of unhealthy habits that disturb peace of mind and mental balance. By improving your diet and maintaining an exercise routine, you will notice marked improvements in your ability to concentrate and enjoy a peaceful state of being.

This will further be supported by following the advice and guidance of your spiritual mentors, who have useful and practical wisdom to offer you in terms of specific spiritual practices that align you with your higher self.

Consider seeking the services of a local body worker to whom you feel an affinity. This could be a Shiatsu, Ayurvedic, Acupuncture, or Massage Therapy practitioner. Receiving therapy at least once a month will help you to access a state of mental, physical, and emotional wellness that you will benefit from for many years to come.

You are encouraged to enlist the help of a skilled practitioner of your choice who can answer your specific questions as they arise during the course of your treatment.

The opportunity for a trip to a faraway place will present itself to you through your affiliation with your local spiritual community. You are encouraged to take advantage of the chance to travel with a group of other people who will be aligned around similar values, and who will be prepared to pool their financial and social resources and connections to make this trip more affordable and accessible for everyone.

This trip offers a never-before, once-in-a-lifetime chance to experience aspects of a culture to which you are very attracted and connected, yet have been feeling estranged from. This sense of social disconnectedness and isolation can be transformed through your participation in this journey, which will connect you to people in a way that you otherwise wouldn´t in the course of your daily interactions.

It will be of great benefit to you to muster up the courage to participate more actively in the social events organized by your immediate community. When you are presented with a choice to either stay home or go out and be an active part of a community event, you are encouraged to show up and participate in any way you can.

You have valuable contributions to make that you may have been holding back from expressing due to some kind of self-doubt. As you participate more and more, you will overcome the obstacle of self-limitations and realize the joy of selfless, non-attached service to your community, which has a lot to offer you in return, should you be willing to show up – as you are – with no expectations.

You will be pleasantly surprised by the positive, fulfilling outcomes of your selfless service.

-End of Life Reading-

I wish you blessings of peace, health and happiness. Thank you for writing. —Parama